Top Five Worst Christmas Songs

Well, it’s that time of the year again.  Time for turkeys, hams, snow, shopping madness (I’ll save that one for another post), decorating trees, and Christmas music.  Now, I love the holidays!  I have always loved Thanksgiving, not only because of turkey dinner, although this makes up about 98% of my enjoyment of Thanksgiving, but also because of football, a day off from school/work, and I’ve always liked the story of the first Thanksgiving.  I like Christmas, too, because as a kid, I loved playing outside in the snow, visiting my grandparents, going to church, making Christmas cookies, and exchanging gifts.

I don’t get into the “Christmas spirit” in September, when stores start putting out their merchandise.  I actually saw Christmas decorations for sale in August this year.  Gross.  Christmas is in December, not in August; we have several intermittent holidays before Christmas (Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veterans Day, Halloween, and others).  We don’t need bad Christmas music for the months leading up to December 25^th.

We used to sing Christmas songs at school, back in those days, but they were Christmas songs.  You know, White Christmas, O Come, All Ye Faithful, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, Jingle Bells, songs like that.  But somehow, these aren’t the songs that are popular on the radio.

That’s where I start getting pretty upset.  I can stomach some pop music, but pop Christmas music has created its own tradition of being awful, intolerable, and brings out the absolute worst in musicianship, where otherwise great musicians and singers feel compelled to perform at their lowest level.

You must think I am Ebenezer Scrooge.  Well, take this: BAH HUMBUG ON BAD CHRISTMAS MUSIC!

So, I have compiled a list of the Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs:

#1 Wonderful Christmastime (Paul McCartney)

I really, truly, honestly, and fully do not like this song.  I get sick in the mouth every time I hear it come on the radio, with its smooth synthesizer introduction (whump, WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW whump, WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW), its processed voice tracks, and its horribly annoying melody.  Please, Paul, you were so good when you were a Beatle, help me understand what happened!  Was this just a bad experiment, or did you actually think that this would be a good song?  I would (simply) prefer that we just throw this one out in the snow.

#2 Santa Baby (anybody)

Oh, no, please don’t play this song ever again!  Can you believe that people have actually had to suffer through this ditty for almost 60 years?  This is such a diversion from the true, religious nature of Christmas that I can’t even comment.  Bad jazz, bad pop, bad country, this song is just plain awful no matter how you spin it.

#3 I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Jackson Five)

Did you know that this song was originally condemned by the Catholic Church in Boston?  Even though the ban was short-lived, it goes to show that from the beginning, this song was recognized as a flop.  I personally condemn the version by the Jackson Five because it is the most obnoxious.

#4 Baby It's Cold Outside (all versions)

It’s cold outside, so why not stay indoors and sing about it?  No, how about a cup of eggnog instead- that will keep you busy from spouting out this conversational drivel.  It’s worse when the duet can’t function in harmony, and as yet I have not heard a recording of anyone who can.

#5 (tie) It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Andy Williams)

While it may be the most wonderful time of the year, this is definitely not the most wonderful song to sing.  The harmonies attempt to be creative by using deceptive cadences, but they sound really cheesy.  The intro that tries to sound like church bells sounds almost as ridiculous as the synthesizers in Wonderful Christmastime (see above).  What bothers me the most, though, are this song’s lyrics.  “Marshmallows for toasting?”  That’s for camping, which is in the summer time.  “Scary ghost stories?”  That’s for Halloween, which is in October.

#5 (tie) Carol of the Bells (supposedly a Polish folk song)

I’m guessing that this just might be the most-spoofed Christmas song out there, probably because it’s pretty easy to find four syllables to fit into the repeating four notes that are supposed to sound like bells.  I’ll admit, there was a time when I did like this song, but it’s played so often in TV commercials that even the original version grates on my nerves.