The Good Fight

This weekend, it was windy here in the West.  It was so windy that the "For Sale" sign attached to the balcony of the place down the way was flapping against the balcony, echoing across the pavement, and generally making a ton of noise.  It was incredibly annoying and we couldn't get any peace and quiet.  Since it was a fourth floor condo, there was no way I could go over and secure it myself.

So what is a man to do?  Listen to the metal sign spank against the metal balcony all night?  No way, not happening.  Especially not when realtors are involved (see My Top Ten Pet Peeves).  I took matters into my own hands and called the number on the realty sign.  I got a perky, peppy young realtor on the phone who sounded super-excited at the prospect of getting a call on the property over the weekend.  The conversation went something like this:

• Realtor: "Good morning!  (Name) Realty, how may I assist you?"
• Me: "Hi, I'm calling in regards to the condo for sale at (address)."
• Realtor: "Oh, yes, thank you so much for your interest in this property!  It comes with many wonderful options and I am sure that you will love this cute unit.  May I ask, did you hear about us?"
• Me: "I got the number off of the sign, and that's the reason I'm calling.  Whoever put that sign out on the balcony only attached the top and it's flapping and slapping in the wind, banging against the porch rail.  It's really annoying and we couldn't sleep last night.  I have a two-year-old who needs to take a nap pretty soon here, so the sooner you could get that fixed, the better."
• Realtor: (I could hear her facial expression through the phone as her world came crashing down) "So, are you interested in the unit?"
• Me: "Not in the least."
• Realtor: "Would you like to schedule a showing?"
• Me: (drawling) "No thanks.  My only interest in this condo is in having someone fix that sign.  It's bothering me something awful."
• Realtor: "Ok, sorry about that.  We'll have somebody come over and take care of that shortly."

Truly, I didn't expect anything to happen, but the issue was addressed withing a couple of hours.  The sign was relocated to one fo the windows and my daughter had a peaceful afternoon nap.  I took more than a little satisfaction in keeping this annoying realtor in check.

Top Five Worst Christmas Songs

Well, it’s that time of the year again.  Time for turkeys, hams, snow, shopping madness (I’ll save that one for another post), decorating trees, and Christmas music.  Now, I love the holidays!  I have always loved Thanksgiving, not only because of turkey dinner, although this makes up about 98% of my enjoyment of Thanksgiving, but also because of football, a day off from school/work, and I’ve always liked the story of the first Thanksgiving.  I like Christmas, too, because as a kid, I loved playing outside in the snow, visiting my grandparents, going to church, making Christmas cookies, and exchanging gifts.

I don’t get into the “Christmas spirit” in September, when stores start putting out their merchandise.  I actually saw Christmas decorations for sale in August this year.  Gross.  Christmas is in December, not in August; we have several intermittent holidays before Christmas (Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veterans Day, Halloween, and others).  We don’t need bad Christmas music for the months leading up to December 25^th.

We used to sing Christmas songs at school, back in those days, but they were Christmas songs.  You know, White Christmas, O Come, All Ye Faithful, Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer, Jingle Bells, songs like that.  But somehow, these aren’t the songs that are popular on the radio.

That’s where I start getting pretty upset.  I can stomach some pop music, but pop Christmas music has created its own tradition of being awful, intolerable, and brings out the absolute worst in musicianship, where otherwise great musicians and singers feel compelled to perform at their lowest level.

You must think I am Ebenezer Scrooge.  Well, take this: BAH HUMBUG ON BAD CHRISTMAS MUSIC!

So, I have compiled a list of the Top 5 Worst Christmas Songs:

#1 Wonderful Christmastime (Paul McCartney)

I really, truly, honestly, and fully do not like this song.  I get sick in the mouth every time I hear it come on the radio, with its smooth synthesizer introduction (whump, WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW whump, WOW-WOW-WOW-WOW), its processed voice tracks, and its horribly annoying melody.  Please, Paul, you were so good when you were a Beatle, help me understand what happened!  Was this just a bad experiment, or did you actually think that this would be a good song?  I would (simply) prefer that we just throw this one out in the snow.

#2 Santa Baby (anybody)

Oh, no, please don’t play this song ever again!  Can you believe that people have actually had to suffer through this ditty for almost 60 years?  This is such a diversion from the true, religious nature of Christmas that I can’t even comment.  Bad jazz, bad pop, bad country, this song is just plain awful no matter how you spin it.

#3 I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus (Jackson Five)

Did you know that this song was originally condemned by the Catholic Church in Boston?  Even though the ban was short-lived, it goes to show that from the beginning, this song was recognized as a flop.  I personally condemn the version by the Jackson Five because it is the most obnoxious.

#4 Baby It's Cold Outside (all versions)

It’s cold outside, so why not stay indoors and sing about it?  No, how about a cup of eggnog instead- that will keep you busy from spouting out this conversational drivel.  It’s worse when the duet can’t function in harmony, and as yet I have not heard a recording of anyone who can.

#5 (tie) It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Andy Williams)

While it may be the most wonderful time of the year, this is definitely not the most wonderful song to sing.  The harmonies attempt to be creative by using deceptive cadences, but they sound really cheesy.  The intro that tries to sound like church bells sounds almost as ridiculous as the synthesizers in Wonderful Christmastime (see above).  What bothers me the most, though, are this song’s lyrics.  “Marshmallows for toasting?”  That’s for camping, which is in the summer time.  “Scary ghost stories?”  That’s for Halloween, which is in October.

#5 (tie) Carol of the Bells (supposedly a Polish folk song)

I’m guessing that this just might be the most-spoofed Christmas song out there, probably because it’s pretty easy to find four syllables to fit into the repeating four notes that are supposed to sound like bells.  I’ll admit, there was a time when I did like this song, but it’s played so often in TV commercials that even the original version grates on my nerves.

Heat Wave

It is so hot outside!  They say we're supposed to cool off over the weekend, but I am melting away!  I get so irritable when it's hot like this and it has been absolutely stifling.  I think I’ll go off on a rant about summer, as long as we’re on the subject!

I hate summer.  I always have and I think that I always will.  Summer gets all of the attention for the best season: sunshine, sunglasses, pretty drinks with umbrellas in them, pools, lemonade, ice cream…

You can keep it, summer.  Except for the ice cream, that belongs to me.

To me, summer means one thing: heat.  I hate heat.  I hate being hot and sweaty.  Why is summer painted as the most romantic and exciting season?  I don’t think of long walks on the beach, I only think of long lines of sweat trickling slowly down my back and pooling up on my waist, leaving a mysterious stain on my shirt.  I hate it!  I can’t stand the heat, and yes, I will stay out of the kitchen!  Unless the air conditioning is on.  The only thing I like about summer is barbecue.

The thing is, I always liked being in school, so having all of that free time was nice for a few weeks, but then it was boring.  I liked camping for a few weeks, and then I would miss school.  Autumn is my favorite season because I like the fall colors, going back to school, football, the smell of burning leaves, apples, pumpkin pie, turkey… the list goes on.  I like wearing a sweater and feeling cold.

Summer, go away!  I detest you and your heat.